Reflections of Regret
by SatiricalPhilosophy
Summary: An X5 thinks about someone that was important to him that he lost. Feedback appreciated.


Disclaimer- Dark Angel and anything you recognize or that is affiliated with the TV series belongs to James Cameron, Eglee, and Fox. Anything that you do not recognize however belongs to me along with the story.

A/N- Rating's for a bit of course language. There's your warning. Review if you want. Review meaning constructive criticism or just normal reviews, not pointless flames.

Summary- An X5 reflects on someone important that was lost to him.

**Reflections of Regret**

****

It should have been an easy mission. We had done that type of training exercise millions of times before. The night our only cover as we stealthily made our way back to base. Something went wrong though. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did.

How I regret it.

The colonel had spilt us up into two groups. My group consisted if me, Zack, Max, Jondy, Ben, Syl, Krit, Bella, Ace, Draco, and Jade. It was simple; retrieve the flag and return to base before the other team did. Who ever completed the mission first got free time the next day. Easy right? Especially for us genetically engineered super soldiers who did this every day, kid or not? It was. At least it was until they let the dogs out. (Why Zane loves them I have no idea.) To put it simply we got scared, even our fearless leader Zack, and took off running when the dogs turned to chase us. I swear they fed those things nails.

I hated those things. I hate dogs period, even now. She always loved cats though. Ever since she found one, one day during escape and evade. Zack got so mad at her when she wandered off to it. It was an orange-ish color with white stripes; she thought it was the cutest thing in the world. I thought she was the cutest thing in the world. Zack didn't turn her into Lydecker when she wandered off though. Zack, our CO, our big brother would never do that. No matter what he says or how much he doesn't show it, he loves us. Proved it to us in his own way. He would never turn one of us over to that bastard. Not when he knew what would happen to us. No, Zack considered us solely his responsibility. He would deal out punishments. And you know what? That hasn't changed to this day. Even after so many of us have changed, he's still big brother Zack, our protector.

Anyways, back to that night.

We finally lost the dogs, but had gotten lost in the process. We had no idea where we were. We were in a part of the forest surrounding Manticore that we had never used to train in. And even if we had trained there, the number of times had been scarce enough for us not to remember. I'm pretty sure though that we had never been to that small little clearing until that night. I know Zack thought that we were 'fortunate (I'd say lucky, but Zack doesn't believe in luck) because there was a river. Not a stream or creek, but a rushing fucking river. Zack and everyone agreed we would just follow it until we met the stream and got to a place we knew. All water meets at someplace right? It seemed like a smart plan at the time.

With every stroke of good fortune though, a bad omen shortly follows.

What do ya know? Me being poetic. Bella and Ace would laugh their fucking asses off. It's all Bella's fault anyways. She's always reading that damn Shakespeare crap. Gets to ones head after a while. I know Ace hates it too, but he loves Bella too much to tell her that. My baby sister knows that I hate Shakespeare, but I let her read it to me whenever we run into each other. I also know for a fact that stern, no play big brother Zack endures endless hours of Shakespeare. I swear she has something wrong with her. What's romantic about dying? Must be a girl thing, and they're just not letting us guys into the little secret. Then again Syl doesn't get it either and she's a girl. Just ask Krit.

So back to what I was saying. We had walked for a few minutes when Zack and Jondy had a dispute. I think it was about how we weren't getting any closer to finding our destination. If anything we were getting further away seeing how the river kept getting more violent and the bank was rising in elevation. Zack had stopped and started to evaluate our situation and position. Shortly after that he told me and Bella to go and scout and decide our position from atop the trees. I didn't want to because I would have to leave her. I gave her my much larger jacket before I left though because she was cold. It made me feel a little easier about leaving her.

But why should I have been hesitant about leaving her in the first place? She had Zack, Max, Syl, Krit, and the others who would take care of her, not to mention herself. She was quite capable of taking care of herself, even if she was the smallest and youngest out of everyone. So why the uneasiness that had taken up residence in my gut? I left though, giving her a reassuring smile when I felt her small hand tug at my shirt. She would be okay for the few minutes I was away. I ignored the sickening unease and shimmied up a nearby tree, just as Bella was doing. We were back on the ground in less then two minutes.

Everything was fine though until I turned my back. Why did I turn my back? Why did I ignore my gut feeling? God, I was so stupid. One second she was fine, the next I heard her piercing scream and my name, Kael, leaving her lips. When I turned she was already tumbling over the edge and falling toward the rushing water. I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach, the absolute horror and fear. I remember I wasn't fast enough to save her. The others had to hold me back to keep me from going after her. At the time I hadn't cared about how they were hurting because they had lost a sister, their baby sister. I was so angry.

Angry at myself for not being enough to protect her. All I could do that night, all any of us could do that night, was watch as her small form was dragged under the current and dragged away from us. I should have been able to do something other than just watch. I should have been able to save her. I should have dove in after her. I should have… should have… Fuck, there's so much I could have done to prevent what happened. So much I _should _have done to protect her, to save her. But I didn't.

I failed her. My own stupidity killed her. I killed her. Me. I promised I would always protect her and keep her safe, and I failed her. I know what the others think, that it wasn't my fault. That it wasn't anybodies fault. But they're wrong. It was my fault. And now she's gone and she shouldn't be. She should be out here, experiencing the world, experiencing freedom… but she's not. And who's fault is that? Mine. I know Zack feels somewhat like I do… but it wasn't his fault. No, this is solely my fault.

The others don't really think about her anymore. Hell, maybe they forgot about her all together. Forgot that night. I didn't though. How could I? It's still foremost in my mind, my dreams. Or would that be nightmares? Everything I do reminds me of her. After all these years, she still haunts me. Every night I see her frightened, wide ice blue eyes. I loved her eyes; I always thought they were so beautiful… so blue and sparkly. See her body falling and disappearing in the dark water below.

And every night I hate myself just a little bit more.

I never let myself fully experience the joys that come with all our freedom. I never let myself stay in one place long enough to actually make a home. Zack thinks I do it because Manticore's always dogging our asses, but its not. I never let myself get attached to one person. Not to anyone who could be considered a friend (not including my sibs), orto any of those fake girls with their cheap makeup and high stilettos. How can I when I know that she can't? How can I knowing that no one can ever compare to her?

I used to build up false hope. Thinking that she might have survived the fall and rushing water. X5's can take a lot. Survive a lot. Why couldn't she have survived? I used to delude myself. Maybe I still do. Maybe that's why I move around so much in this depressing country we call America. Sometimes I think I hear her laugh behind me, but everythime I turn around… nothing. And it's utterly heartbreaking. (It must be for a male X5 to admit it.) I know what it is that I'm building up… false hope.

She's gone. Jade's gone and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Christ, I fucking hate myself.


End file.
